May 30, 2019: I should have a neon sign over my head that says “warning, deep conversation likely, engage at your own risk.” 

At the beginning of this month the channeled lesson from the Universe came through as a loud and clear directive:

Think less, feel more. Got it!

If last month I wasn’t sure who was driving, this month I can tell you it’s not me. Lots of signs have crossed my path. Even I am not sure I can comprehend the all that is being presented to me. So I’m just going to lay it out here and see where it takes us.

After the channeled piece came the digital art and related Pantone Color Of The Year, 2008. 

As a reflection of the times, Blue Iris brings together the dependable aspect of blue, underscored by a strong, soul-searching purple cast. Emotionally, it is anchoring and meditative with a touch of magic.” 
— Leatrice Eiseman, executive director of the Pantone Color Institute®

This color feels good to me right now. I like the message of reassurance it still carries in our ever complex modern world. 

I am having a difficult time reconciling the me before my awakening to the me after. Old codes of conduct and societal structures I once believed in no longer serve me. Think less, feel more. I think I should be well over it, but I feel frustrated with my identity: white, Jewish, woman. Certainly, the white part offered me an immense deal of structural privilege, the Jewish part took some of that away, and my gender controlled all my options for living therein. But how did these labels come to define my reality?

As the world stage seems to swell with loudness and fury, fear of the past and the future has me trapped in a precarious place. As I try to peel back the layers of my thoughts on these topics, I am reminded of my friend Marc Cohn’s soulful song “Dig Down Deep.”

The chorus is playing on loop in my head as I struggle with my story. Even after all the time I have invested in expansive thought, it appears I still have a chip on my shoulder. It hurts. I should address it. 

Mid-month, in a session with Amy, my medium, the Universe challenged me. What am I so angry about? Can I identify the fear? It’s key to writing this piece.

In frustration, I challenged the Universe back. If my work is to showcase my ability to communicate with the beyond, then give me a sign to prove this is real.

An entity I work with appeared instructing me to focus on the iris!! 

Wow! Ok, I’m reassured. Apparently we are collaborating. Apparently I didn’t get to the iris by accident. It means something. What? Here’s a paraphrased summary of what I found. 

Primary Significance: faith, hope, wisdom, courage, and admiration. With over 200 varieties in a wide spectrum of colors, the iris, which fittingly takes its name from the Greek word for “rainbow,” can be found in virtually every part of the world, growing both naturally and in farms. The iris’s history is rich, dating back to Ancient Greek times when the Greek Goddess Iris, the messenger of the gods and the personification of the rainbow, acted as the link between heaven and earth.  
— Google Search

Well then...  And there is more. 

That same night, my husband and I attended a food and wine pairing event celebrating award wining Israeli chef, Michael Solomonov, and benefiting J Youth Scholarships. It was a delicious evening filled with inspiring stories of inclusion. 

There was a raffle for three prizes - some earrings, a diamond encrusted Chai necklace, and an electric bike. Nothing I would need or use, but the right thing to do was purchase a ticket, which my husband did in my name. The minute he handed me the ticket, I felt I would win. He did too. That Chai necklace was coming my way. I was convinced the Universe was going to use it to deliver another message. 

But I didn’t win the necklace, I won the bike. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe this is just a coincidence, no message, move on. 

I laughed. I don’t need an electric bike. Someone else can use this, I’ll gift it back. Just as I was about to do so, an older woman tapped me on the shoulder. She won the Chai necklace. Do I want to switch? LOL!  The Universe delivered.

Chai in Hebrew means life. In Kabbalah (Jewish mysticism), Chai is the lowest (closest to the physical plane) emanation of “God.”

Two signs. The “rainbow” and “life.” Both with significant symbolism referencing the bridge between the beyond and the here and now. Hmmm...

A few days ago I was introduced to the enneagram. A very short exam indicated I was a 4w5. It was interesting. It highlighted some significant parts of me, but certainly not all of me. I’m sitting with it. I’m realize there is a bit of me in each of the types.

My take-away is that the most interesting part of the enneagram is the space between the 4 and 5. I think that represents the space between the here and now and the beyond. It is prime real estate indeed. We just haven’t figured out how to fully access it.

I woke up today able to identify my anger. I am angry at myself for not always seeing what I can see now. I am angry at myself for not seeing what I know I still can’t see. I’m angry at any hurt I may have caused those close to me because I didn’t understand what they were feeling. I am angry at the hurt others caused me when they didn’t understand what I was feeling. I’m angry at any injustice and judgement.

Today I am letting go of what I can. My obstacles are mine. I realize they also provide me with opportunity. In whatever ways I have been or am currently “othered”, I am me because of my journey, not in spite of it. We are what we “make.” Whether it is music, art, money, medicine, or war. We are always making history. I can’t erase the past, but I can stand with you as we untangle our roots.  

The rainbow, in its technicolor glory, keeps revealing more layers of the nuance that comprises humanity. Everything we are is on a spectrum. Including the enneagram and my anger. 

Life is complicated and messy. I don’t have a set of guidelines for success. No one does.

What is revolutionary is choosing to evolve.